The solar panels finally arrived after August Bank Holiday. The work was skilfully done by three young men from Kent called Ashley, Sam and Max. They were wonderfully clean in both personal appearance and in their work. Ashley and Sam worked on the roof while Max connected the special box inside which records the solar energy ‘harvested’ and sends the information to our supplier. We are paid for the electricity generated.

Our annual retreat ended on 8th September. It was a ‘private’ retreat and the atmosphere in the House was wonderfully quiet and relaxing. We renewed our monastic commitment during Mass on the last morning and relished the last day of silence. I walked round our garden, observing small creatures, such as an earthworm I moved from a concrete paving stone into a weeded patch of soil. It explored small cavities under the top layer of soil, going backwards and forwards, and then moved under a light layer of earth. It had a purpose, but I don’t know what it was. Then there are the patterns and colours of fallen leaves to admire, especially the wondrous colours in the winged seed-cases of the sycamore, and the flat seed covers of the false acacia trees.

The cats accompany me. A couple of days ago, while I was making sure Goldie and Brunie had at least one walk with me in the garden, I looked under a small oak tree and then sidled along the hedge. On crossing to the path close to the greenhouses, the inevitable bramble branches caught at my legs. In the action of freeing myself, I fell flat on the right side of my face. My glasses fell clear. I could feel the pain in my cheek-bone and lay still to ascertain whether there was any sign of giddiness. There was not, so I raised my head from the paving stones and found Brunie watching over me.

I got up slowly, feeling my cheek swelling. Swift medical treatment followed. It was quite entertaining. During the night my face continued to swell, and colour was added to the design. A red patch appeared under my eye, and lavish blue spread down my cheek. The swelling had reached my chin, puffing-up half my face. Since we were in retreat, nobody could question me, and I relished the lack of conversation. It was wonderful to be left alone.

By chance, I was due for an eye appointment at the Countess Hospital the next day. The fall had not affected my eye-sight..

Many requests for prayers keep coming, some of them tragic. Despite all the increased knowledge and healing power available, it seems to be cancer which attacks most people at present So many people endure this patiently, while families wring their hands and wait for the outcome. Then there is the dreaded Alzheimer disease, with years of alienation from one’s family - and especially dreadful when the patient begins to show these signs just after middle-age. The ageing process seems to affect people differently. Some become forgetful, needing help and reassurance when it is required. All these anxieties gnaw away at us at some stage of our life. Blessed are we when we can accept our state of being and live accordingly.

I noticed some special spiritual insights in the Gospel of Saint Luke during these days. One section was about hostile people watching Jesus to see if he would heal a man on the Sabbath, ‘hoping to find something to use against him.’ We have all experienced a measure of hostile observation, and know how uncertain it makes us feel as we, bewildered and alone, wonder what we have done. And we may also have kept a jealous eye on someone who either received more love or was more worthy than us, when we wanted the same love and appreciation.... The novel "Jane Eyre" comes to mind, when Jane realised that her beloved friend, Helen, was especially loved by her school teacher. But that did not prevent Jane from comforting her dying friend: she had simply accepted the fact that Helen was more love-worthy.

There are many injunctions about watching : "Watch and pray.." because you do not know when the worst (or best ) will happen. "Stay alert for you do not know the hour..." One can watch with gentle love and appreciation, or silent concern, and be simply mindful of another’s need. That is some of the ‘watching’ we do in prayer.

Before Jesus chose his disciples, he spent a whole night in prayer Did he then deliberately name those who had different gifts and talents, aware that none of them could really be relied upon at that early stage? It would be through contact with him, wandering around, listening to his sermons, seeing him heal both the mentally and physically afflicted, that they would receive their formation. They had a three-year ‘novitiate’ - training course - at the end of which they were not all able to fully commit themselves to him. This, despite the fact that ordinary people wanted to touch him, his garments, because ‘power came out of him that cured them all.’ We must never under-estimate the healing touch of love, or the loving gaze which can console us.

Then followed the teaching which turns life upside down by favouring the poor, the hungry, the people who are hated, and those who sorrow. They are told that they are ‘blessed’ because their very state of deprivation makes them capable of receiving what God wants to give them. In some strange way, these apparently contradictory and incomprehensible states of being are the key to the kingdom of God.

Had we not been celebrating the Birthday of Our Lady today, we would have heard that we are to love our enemies, to do good to those who hate us, and to pray for those who treat us badly. And while we do this, we must remember that others are doing this for us, since we all offend or alienate or hurt others around us.... often being totally unaware of what we are doing.

17th September 2011

The full moon has been and gone, the wasps seem to sense the approach of winter, and surely dusk and darkness come too soon? It is as though someone has speeded up the timer, giving it a twist, so that the grains of sand fall more rapidly....

We have now had three different priests celebrating the new Order of the Mass with us. It is a challenge for all. Sometimes we ‘free-wheel’, lapsing into former responses, but none are so great that they cannot be absorbed in time.

Most of the work-time this week has been spent on the archives.

There have been more conversations and questions during the last week from visitors. One, already a hermit, is wondering what direction her life should take. I am reading a very good book written by a contemporary hermit who lives close to Aberdaron, and can see Bardsey Island from her cabin. So I have suggested contact with Sister Verena Schiller (Austrian descent) as the best way forward. The other was a perplexed question from a regular retreatant as to how one develop one’s inner life.

I have also been reading a book by Jostein Gaarder: A Novel about the History of Philosophy. The author is Norwegian, and his mini-lectures have helped me remember part of the University course I took called "Political Theory" some fifty years ago.. Religion and Philosophy are closely connected. Aristotle said "There is nothing in the mind which has not first passed through the senses." We tend to think that our ‘inner life’ is our good spiritual life. It is not. It is the jumble and chaos of normal life which needs space and time to settle.

It is like my favourite example to demonstrate this consists of putting stones and sand and cut grass etc. into an empty glass jar, and then covering them with water, screwing on the top, and shaking the contents. At first there is a cloudy mess but within a short time, each thing finds its own level and the water clears. (Naturally, if one has inadvertently added living creatures, they have to be saved at once!) It is within the clear space of the mind that we can look at what there is inside us, and then decide what can be done to augment it. However, do not try to empty away the fragments: they are the basis for a more interesting life! We keep things which might be useful in our cellars and attics, but the time will come when we have to decide what to do with the storage. These fragments may help us to remember both pain and sorrow, and to ‘see’ how far we have travelled. We can also see the refracted light, and the shadow of grief. All are part of our inner life.

Religious people tend to associate the ‘inner life’ with deeper awareness of God. One has to begin with one’s own ’dust and ashes’ and then look at the wonder of creation. From a deepening sense of appreciation, and of sorrow for the suffering of people and created things, we can then decide how we want to live. Do we want to be life-sustainers or just concerned about ourselves? Religious precepts may well help and guide us but the Spirit of Life touches us individually. We have to reach out for what we want to know better - like a little child reaching for a shining bauble on the Christmas tree! We reach out - and retain a memory.

Another good and unexpected visit took place yesterday when a couple came to show us their two-week old daughter. She is a dear little girl. I found myself stroking her little head, and she fell asleep. Loving relationships with cats can teach one many things!

24th September 2011

We had to work on the Annual Accounts document for the Charity Commission today for the year ending December 2010. Heaven knows what the records for this year will be like as the world-wide economy plunges into unknown depths.

Some plants seem to think that it is Spring again, and are in flower for the second time this year. The same is true of the ladybird variety of beetles: more larvae have been produced, and more are pupating. Some are trying to begin their over-wintering period indoors but I am returning them to the garden when possible.

I have become a reluctant letter-writer, as I lack substance... I was presented with a library book published in 2010 by the potter Edmund de Waal: The Hare with Amber Eyes. He inherited 264 netsuke from his uncle Iggie, who lived in Tokyo. The inheritance was the catalyst for a journey of discovery, covering two centuries of family history. His family came from incredibly wealthy Jewish stock, the von Ephrussi Family. His grandmother Elisabeth married Hendrik de Waal. However, almost no archives remained after two World Wars, and so Edmund had scant information to go on. So I await the next development, which will be to find out about Charles Ephrussi who bought the netsuke as a wedding gift for his cousin Viktor von Ephrussi - the great-grandfather of Edmund de Waal. This took place in Vienna at the turn of the 19th century. Charles was then living in Paris in the Hotel Ephrussi.

(I am sure you know that netsuke are ornamental toggles to fasten small bags to Chinese garments which have no pockets.)

30th September 2011

The last few days of September have been extremely hot, unlike the previous days, which were exceptionally cold. Then we had the radiators on in the early morning and evening: now some of us yearn for wind and rain! Some of the nuns are wearing grey habits - that is, light summer habits which much washing has bleached...

The sorting of the archives continues, and some pattern emerges. I am now sorting through correspondence. All of it has been saved once and now I wonder whether to turn into an Anabaptist and save it twice or not. (Anabaptists baptise people again, for some theological reason concerning the validity of the first baptism.) Anyway, I am resisting the temptation to both ‘cast all aside’ or to ‘save all’. There has to be some later justification for my faith.... that is, when I link the correspondents with their connection with the community.

Our senior nun has just returned from posting letters. She looked a little shame-faced as she had been gone a seemingly long time. She had met some very nice people, a lady in a wheelchair and her husband. They engaged in conversation, and M. discovered that they were Jehovah’s Witnesses. One local Witness used to deliver their magazine here - which still comes regularly. She was called Pearl. One day, when I opened the door, feeling unusually benign, I asked her whether she would like to see our garden. Pearl was delighted, and we had a friendly and gentle conversation, just enjoying the garden, rather than wearing our religious vocabulary as a shield. So I appreciated M.s warm human impulse this morning, which is so necessary. Mutual acceptance goes deeper than religious bigotry.

Another delightful priest came to stay as soon as the Belmont Abbey departed. Father B. was once an Anglican priest and retains all the delightful mannerisms of the celibate Anglo-Catholic, wearing a cassock underneath the vestments at Mass. He also delights in cats, so cats are the ‘shield’ which allow him personal privacy. I think he is a very shy man. As other former Anglo-Catholics in retreat, he reads during our silent meals. I feel tempted to ask ‘Why’? Has he not sufficient wisps of thought to help him just to silently ‘be’ present at the meal, as every meal is potentially sacramental?

Yesterday, a very hot Thursday, Rev. David M. and his wife came for a second visit this summer. David writes wonderfully perceptive and humorous sermons, and shares them with us.

Naturally, I have also been reflecting on what is the true aim of our monastic life. Some forty years ago I was impressed by the writing of the Cistercian monk Adalbert de Vogue, when he said that our whole life was to help us to become aware of God’s presence everywhere. He saw liturgical prayer the bridges which support our awareness, with the rest of our activities becoming a form of prayer - so that living itself is a constant ‘prayer’. (Or words to that effect.) I think that is what happens when we by live within the framework of the monastic day. This does not mean that one has no time to be a natural human being - quite the contrary - as Saint Irenaeus wrote "The glory of God is Man fully alive." This allows us to be ourselves, different from each other, but all of us living in the same environment, following the same timetable, and each one becoming more alive and aware in love of God and his creation.